Below is my story… so far. We are all a work in progress. No matter what path your life has taken, we all need the same hope, healing, forgiveness, and freedom found in Jesus. (This is a testimony I shared at Celebrate Recovery.)

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For every story of the recovering alcoholic, there’s a story of the ones who were hurt by their actions. For every story of sexual sin, there is a story of the one who was wounded by the unfaithfulness.  For every story of lies and betrayal, there is a story of the ones who are living with the hurt and bitterness.  For every story of the addict, there’s a story of those who enabled them.  For every story of the runaway prodigal son, there’s a story of the prideful older son. Which one of these is most dangerous? Which one of these people needs repentance, hope, healing, forgiveness, and freedom?  All of them.  

Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m a grateful believer in Jesus, and I struggle with Anger, Pride, and Co-dependency. These things have plagued me for much of my life; and they are sometimes difficult to spot because they get masked by all sorts of behaviors.  They are subtle root issues that can cause a big mess.  I lived with these things growing like mold in the corners of my heart, and it wasn’t until God allowed them to be exposed in the middle of an ugly mess that I was able to see them, and be set free.

GROWING UP IN CHURCH

Let me tell you a bit about my family… Both of my parents came from long generational Catholic roots, and regularly attended every Christmas or Easter.  As a little kid I was sent to catechism and confirmed in the Catholic church.  But through an interesting chain of events, they trusted Jesus as Savior and began attending a small little church out in the country in Michigan.  I was around 7-8 years old at the time… old enough to know that our family was making some radical changes. Rather than spending weekends out on a sailboat, living a party life, we were now sitting in church – multiple times each week – yes, becoming one of those “every time the doors were open” kinds of families.  

The changes were drastic… As a matter of fact, many years ago my sister put together a photo album of their lives for their 25thwedding anniversary. We laugh about the extreme pivot right in the middle of the book. As you flip through the pages, there’s mom in a bikini and dad with a beer in his hand, and half naked kids running around the deck of a sailboat. And on the next page, there is dad in an ill-fitting sport coat and tie, and mom with a long prairie skirt that nearly touched the floor, and a blouse with a poofey collar that came up to her chin. It was a drastic change, but I didn’t really mind it.  This new church life was actually a good experience for a kid.  There were plenty of things to be involved with, and lots of Bible stories to learn, and verses to memorize, and awards to be won, and prizes to be earned.

I remember going to church camp one day when I was 8 or 9.  The preacher was up front talking about heaven and hell.  I remember being pretty worked up, because I didn’t want to go to hell.  I remember walking forward at the end of the message during a song.  My pastor was standing there.  He was tall – very tall and had a deep voice.  He was a nice guy; but very intimidating – especially to a little kid who just realized he was going to hell!  I prayed with him, came home and was baptized a few weeks later.

The next year, we were moved from a public school to a private Christian school. My life was surrounded with Christian education, Christian sports, Christian music, and Christian “parties.” My parents were bringing up their kids the best way they could – surrounded by the Bible and church activities.  Clearly this wasn’t a bad thing.  But there was a subtly dangerous thing that I allowed to begin happening in my heart.  Mixed in with some great foundational instruction, I learned a skill…  I learned that if I played by the rules just enough, then others (particularly those in charge) would take notice in a positive way.  There were plenty of accolades for the “good little boys and girls.”  But on the other side of things, the kids who took this Christian behavior too far would be ostracized by the cool kids.  So, I learned to play the game – right down the middle.

CO-DEPENDENCY

I was developing the art of co-dependency.  I didn’t know what that meant back then.  I didn’t even know it was a thing.  I still think it’s a weird word. By definition, it is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.  It’s basically idolatry – putting people in a place where only God belongs.  More specifically, I cared more about the acceptance and approval of others more than I cared about the most important thing.  I was becoming a people-pleaser.  That was my reality.  

I continued to play the game all the way into High School… obeying enough of the rules to keep in the good favor of the pastors and teachers; but when I was with my friends, I’d tell the dirty jokes, use the bad language, and sneak a look at pornography when I was with the friends who had access.  Deep down I knew something was wrong inside.  

Here’s an example…  Every time I heard a message about Jesus, heaven, and hell, I’d get nervous; but I’d pretend like I had it figured out.  Seriously, what if someone found out that I wasn’t sure about my own salvation?  That would be embarrassing.  Really? Co-dependency… People-pleasing… Idolatry.   It was so stupid. Sometimes I’d come home, and no one would be there.  I’d panic.  Where is everyone?  They should be here!! Oh man, I missed the rapture!!! What have I done????   I’d sit in church, and at the end of the message and peek while everyone else had their heads bowed.  Sometimes the preacher would ask people to raise their hand if they were absolutely surethat they were already saved.  My hand shot right up like the rest of them. But I knew I was faking it – I wasn’t sure!  What a dangerous mistake.  What if I never had really trusted in Jesus?

Then the preacher would ask who wasn’tsure if they had trusted Jesus.  There was a girl in my school who wasn’t very well liked.  She was a little odd, and definitely notin the popular crowd.  She wore out-of-style hand me downs, and her hair was usually messy.  And it seemed like every single time the preacher would ask who wanted to trust Jesus, this same girl raise her hand.  She would then go up to the front of the church and pray with someone to trust Jesus as Savior.  All my friends would elbow each other to peek at this girl going up front again.  I’d snicker and laugh – but inside I was terrified.

It was like the story Jesus told of the rich man and Lazarus.  The rich man had everything but didn’t know God and ended up in hell. And Lazarus was a poor beggar who knew God and ended up in heaven.  In a sense, I was like the rich man.  I had lots of friends and I didn’t want to jeopardize that by looking like this girl. And this girl was like the beggar. She didn’t have much; but she knew she needed Jesus, and wasn’t afraid to admit it.

I had a head full of knowledge about God, Jesus, the Bible, Salvation… But my knowledge didn’t settle my heart.  I knew the facts, but I ignored them.  I wasn’t “really that bad” after all.  Plus, I didn’t want to be made fun of – so I faked it.  There’s that people-pleasing-co-dependent behavior again… now beginning to shape who I was becoming.  It was even controlling my willingness to admit my need for a Savior. Some people assume that growing up in the church makes an easy path to following Jesus.  Not necessarily.  Strangely, growing up around religion can sometimes be a hinderance to a real relationship with God.  I had just enough religion to keep me from true surrender.

PRIDE

If you haven’t already spotted it, pride had begun to grow its roots deep into my heart.  No – not the kind of pride that thinks I was better than other people – not the cocky athlete or self-absorbed ladies’ man.  It was a kind of pride that assumed I was doing something special because I played by the rules.  The kind of pride that felt like I had earned something because of my semi-good behavior.  In a sense, I’d been careful to color within the lines, and I liked seeing my picture displayed on the refrigerator.  

I carried this with me all throughout High School.  Then just before graduation, something strange happened.  We had an end-of-the-year awards ceremony.  The faculty handed out awards for various things, and concluded with a new award they decided to begin recognizing that year. It was the “Christian Gentleman of the Year” award.  I sat there only half paying attention, probably making jokes or flicking paper wads at my friends.  Then I heard my name called… Me? Christian Gentleman of the Year?  That’s weird.  I stumbled up to the stage, received the award, and headed back to my seat. I distinctly remember being immediately overcome with conviction.  There I sat, staring at this stupid plaque in my hands, knowing that inside I was no kind of “Christian Gentleman,” I was a fake, a fraud, a people-pleasing fool – unsure of my own relationship with God.

Instead of being proud of this “achievement,” I was ashamed because I knew the reality of my own heart. That was where God first helped me see the ugliness of my heart.  I still have that plaque.  I don’t keep it because I am proud of it.  I keep it as a reminder of how easy and how dangerous it is to be a fake.  Why so dangerous?  Because without even trying, I developed a skill of using my people-pleasing nature to convince others of something that wasn’t true.  And I had chained myself to the opinions of others – living for their approval.  It was a miserable place to live.  I didn’t even know it, but I was drowning in my own pride and co-dependent-people-pleasing behavior.  I had seen how ugly it was in that moment; but it wasn’t enough to bring about much change.

Graduation came and went, and that summer I got another wake-up call.  I was part of our church softball team.  One evening, late in the summer, after one of the games a bunch of my friends were going out.  I don’t remember why, but I didn’t go with them.  Early the next morning, my mom woke me up.  She had just received a phone call that one of those friends had been in a car accident late that night and was killed.  I was shocked and confused – realizing that I could have been there.  I could have been killed.  I was realizing how fragile life was – and how crazy I had been for ignoring God’s repeated calls on my life.

Over the next couple days, God worked hard on my heart.  He brought me to the point of realizing that if that had been me, I would most likely have died without Jesus.  I would have died under God’s judgment – and spend all of eternity under punishment for my sin.  I surrendered to Jesus.  I asked God to forgive me.  I thanked Him for being patient with me, while I faked religious behavior, yet ignored Him.  Was I already saved when I was a little kid? I don’t know – but this was the moment in my life that I know my surrender was real.

I went off to a Christian college that fall.  I was once again surrounded by a great spiritual environment.  But even with my newly revitalized relationship with God, I still found it easy to subtly slip back into the people-pleasing ways.  I fought against it better than I had previously; but there were still many times when I let other opinions control my life, my will, and my testimony.  There were many great things that happened during these college years, but I’ll just mention my favorite.  In my Junior year, I met my friend’s sister.  She was a cute freshmen.  We became acquaintances, then friends, then began dating.  Our relationship continued to grow.  A year later, I proposed, and she agreed.  Another year later (1994), I graduated and we were married.

CHANGES

We looked for churches together – not because we were really all that focused on God at this point in our lives; we just knew it was good to be connected to a church.  Eventually we found one we loved and plugged in.  And for the first time, I really started to follow Jesus.  Rather than just being connected to God, and surrounded by religion, I began to own my faith.  I worked in construction, then sales, and then management.  I began to be successful at these things.  We had one child – then another. Life seemed pretty good; but something was tugging at my heart.  I felt God pulling me towards full-time ministry.  I wasn’t sure what that meant, or what I would do about it. Eventually I shared this thought with Julie, only to find that she has been sensing the same thing.

I’ll skip over the details only to mention that in 2002, God eventually lead us into full time ministry in an unexpected way – a way that proved to us that He was the One leading us.  Well, I’ll include one detail.  It was a comment my dad made to me.  I had worked for him and with him for several years. He was a good dad. He loved me and our whole family. But he wasn’t much for “pats on the back” or “atta-boy’s.” He was a hard worker, and taught me to be the same. In his mind, hard work didn’t require much of a reward – it was just how we were supposed to live.  For a young man who had struggled with people pleasing, the lack of verbal recognition from my dad left an emptiness in me.  So, when the day came for me to tell him that I was leaving a successful and profitable job to go into ministry, he wasn’t excited.  His response: “You know, son, you can sometimes do a lot more for God out in the working world than you can being in full-time ministry.”  This statement was very true in many ways. And he sincerely had tried to live that out since those bikini-beer-boating days. But his words stuck like a knife in my heart. I knew what God was telling me to do, but following Him meant I was losing some of the respect my dad had for me – at least in my own mind anyways.  Unknowingly, this one statement would be like gas on a fire inside my people-pleasing-co-dependent heart.  I would unconsciously and unintentionally set out to prove him wrong.

DIZZY AND DRUNK IN MINISTRY

I remember thinking that ministry life would be awesome – life would be perfect!  I’d be able to study God’s Word all day, every day.  And surely working with church-people would be a dream.  But it wasn’t perfect – because in reality, church people are not perfect, and neither was I.  I brought my pride and people-pleasing-co-dependency into full time ministry.  And just like a bar is fuel for an alcoholic, the church became fuel for my addiction to people-pleasing.

I hit the ground running. I gave myself away to everyone.  I loved seeing God at work – and I loved being in the middle of it.  I gave away more and more time, to anyone and everyone – every weeknight – every weekend – every free moment.  I was mostly playing by the rules, serving God because that’s what He asked me to do, helping the lost find Jesus, working hard to help others grow spiritually.  But somewhere below the surface of my life, I have to admit that these things were mixed with a subtle love of pleasing others (co-dependency) and I enjoyed the respect of being a pastor (pride).  So, on and on I went.  Living in insanity isn’t exclusive to only certain kinds of addictions. This endless and pointless pursuit of people-pleasing was my addiction and my insanity. I had good intentions of serving God; but these intentions had been badly polluted with spiritual activity, people pleasing, and pride.  My dad didn’t really give me many “atta-boy’s,” but church people sure did. 

In reality, those things silently grew to be more important than my own relationship with God – or even caring for my wife and family.  We had our third child, and to most people, we looked like we had it all together.  I took pride in my position and accomplishments – I took pride in the fact that most people looked at our marriage as one to be envied.  But cracks were starting to show – especially at home.  I convinced myself that I was doing what a man was supposed to do – especially a man in full-time ministry.  I gave my time and energy to everyone who needed anything.  I gave all my good to everyone else; and when I got home, my wife and family got the leftovers.  We were deeply involved in the church, leading a youth group, and leading worship; and I was dragging Julie along through it all.  I assumed that since it was the “Lord’s work” then surely Julie would be able to handle things just fine.  I assumed she would be ok with getting the burned-out remains.  This began to take a toll on my marriage.  I sincerely cared about Julie and my kids – I sincerely loved them.  But I was dizzy with maintaining the opinions of others and drunk on the pride that came with it.  It wasn’t until much later that I would realize that while I feasted on these things, I was starving my relationship with my wife – and even more so, my own relationship with God.

EVERYTHING FALLS APART

It was now 2005.  On and on I went, feeding my pride and people-pleasing addiction.  It was an empty and ungratifying pursuit.  And what a mistake I was making.  The devil had plenty of room to weave his way into Julie’s life, my life, and into our home.  While I was blinded in my own prideful fog, the devil made his move.  While I was running around winning everyone’ else’s attention, another man was able to win my wife’s attention.  She gave in, and their relationship quickly went from a friendship to an affair.  They were able to keep it hidden for a few months.  But in one day’s time, the truth came out and instantly everything I had built fell apart.  We crumbled.  Our marriage was completely destroyed.  

There were Biblical grounds for divorce; and statistically, most marriages that had faced this kind of betrayal end in divorce.  But from the beginning of our marriage we said we would never consider that option.  Divorce is ugly and painful – but often seems like the best way out – the quick fix.  So what do you do when there is nothing left?  …when it would be easier to walk away then attempt to pick up the pieces?   Even though things seemed to be unsalvageable, we weren’t ready to call it quits – just yet. So we headed out desperately searching for some help.  This is a long part of our story, that I’ll make short by saying we drove thousands of miles over the next month looking for a marriage counselor, or program, or someone who could fix the mess we were in.  

We confessed our sins to each other to get everything out on the table.  This included Julie laying out the details of what she had done, and me admitting how my selfish actions had hurt her – and also admitting that I had given into the temptation of looking at pornography a couple times earlier in our marriage.  I had allowed the devil in years before.  These were some pretty rough times.  We were disgusted with each other, but we were trying to see if there was anything worth fixing.  It seemed like we were lost in a tangled mess – no direction – no help – no hope.  I didn’t need any help (or so I thought) – but I knew I needed to get Julie someplace fast where someone could fix her.  

HELP!

We heard about a marriage program in South Carolina.  We were out of options, so we drove down and signed up – only to discover it wasn’t a marriage program.  It was about recovery principles and taking a spiritual inventory.  That was NOT what I thought we needed – we needed marriage help – and fast!  I made a few more calls, but couldn’t find any other help.  So, I talked to the people who were heading up the program. They made us a deal: if we stuck it out for 3 months, then they would also meet privately with us together to help us sort out our marriage mess.  We THOUGHT we needed marriage help – and we did; but not as badly as we needed what God was about to show us.  

This program started walking us through our relationship with God, and through some of the basic principles of recovery.  Julie started to change almost immediately.  And rather than celebrating this change, her new-found pursuit of God only made me angry.  Deep down I knew something was wrong with that, but I didn’t know what.  And I didn’t admit it to anyone – I just pushed it down deeper inside.  I still relied on how “good” I had tried to be, and I needed to keep up appearances. For most of my life I only felt good when I was winning the approval of those around me.  And the crazy thing is, when my marriage crashed, so did people’s opinions of me.  I had wasted years trying to impress church people and earn their respect – and now I had become an outcast to most of those same people.

DENIAL

This was personally a pretty dark time for me.  Julie was now experiencing forgiveness, and freedom, and a renewed faith; and I was spiraling downward.  I knew God didn’t promise an easy life; but I was mad at Him for allowing this mess in mine. Seriously, didn’t He realize how good I had tried to be???  Why didn’t He stop this before it happened???  Wasn’t He watching out for me???  I knew all about God’s grace and mercy; but thought I deserved more than the next guy for all my hard work.  I could also see the problem of pride in others; but I was oblivious to its dark stain in my own life.  I had spent much of my life winning the approval of others; and now that was gone. And these new people we were meeting with in this program… I couldn’t seem to win them over.  Dang, I used to teach this same stuff to other people.  I knew all of the right things to say, and all of the right answers to the questions.   Why couldn’t I convince them that I had it all together? 

In reality, my pride, my people-pleasing, my unforgiveness, my bitterness, and my anger was written all over me.  They could plainly see it, and were trying to help me.  For the first time in my life I was experiencing people that understood the principles of recovery.  For the first time in my life I was surrounded by men who didn’t tell me what they thought I wanted to hear – the told me what I needed to hear.  These men cared enough about me to call out my prideful B.S..  They could see my denial. They could see through my mask.  The strange thing was… when I looked in the mirror, all I could see what the good image I had been trying to maintain. 

That’s the crazy thing about denial.  It’s not always just a deliberate rejection of the truth. Sometimes it is an inabilityor unwillingnessto see what’s wrong in your life.    I had worn a mask for so long that I thought that is what I was supposed to look like. I had a mess in my own heart, but I couldn’t see it because I had a head full of Biblical knowledge and I had always “played by the rules.”   I wouldn’t let anyone point me to truth – because I already knew it.  My knowledge and pride were keeping me from changing.  I wouldn’t admit I was wrong, because I thought my intentions were good.  It’s a sad, pitiful, and scary thing to be blind – and even not realize it.  

ANGER

I questioned God.  I questioned everything.  I was so angry about it all.  And now people were trying to point out that I had some critical things to work on.  Seriously, I wasn’t the one who needed to be fixed – I hadn’t really done anything that bad.  The core of my anger wasn’t really Julie, or the guy that stole her away, or even the church people who abandoned us in the middle of our mess.  I had aimed that anger at all of those people, but the core of my anger was that I felt like had given so much to God, and this mess is what I got in return.  Yeah, thanks a lot.  In turn, everything I thought I knew about God, Jesus, and the Bible was starting to fall apart.  Maybe everything I had once believed wasn’t so true.  I was becoming bitter.   Although I didn’t say any of these words out loud (that would look bad,) I felt that God owed me for being a good person.  In reality, I was missing two important facts: 1. I wasn’t really a good person, and 2. God didn’t owe me anything.

I remember reading Psalm 40:1-3.  It talks about how God lifted someone out of a messy pit and eventually restored their life. It says God gave this person a new song to sing.  This passage only made me angrier.  I even bitterly wrote in a journal how I doubted God’s Word was even true in this regard. I was fighting God – angry about the mess we were in – and fighting against admitting the reality of my own ugly heart.

MORE PRIDE

One of the passages I had to study for that program was the story of the Prodigal son.  It’s a story about a runaway son (the younger brother), a “good” son (the older brother), and a Father that loved them both.  The instructor asked which brother we most identified with.  It was clear to me at this point in our marriage that Julie had become the runaway, and was now home – and I was the “good” son, the older brother.  But my preconceptions didn’t really line up with what it seemed like the story was saying.  In the end, the younger runaway son got a party for coming home, and the “good” son seemed to be getting in trouble.  The story closes with the older brother arguing with his Father about keeping the rules, and he was upset that he didn’t get a party too.  I looked at this story and felt bad for this guy. Why did he get the bad rap???  I mean, seriously, he did what he was supposed to do – he played by the rules.  …And so had I. 

One of the best things that happened was I quit saying the right answers just because I knew that’s what others wanted to hear. The story didn’t make sense to me.  I expressed my confusion to the leader, which turned into an argument.  I actually got pretty angry and belligerent about it.  I fought bitterly in defense of the “good” brother – ultimately thinking I was defending myself.   What a miserably prideful way to live when you can’t even admit that you are wrong.

After some time, and patient counsel, I discovered what I had been missing…  The “good” brother obeyed the Father, but out of responsibility and obligation – not out of love or a close relationship with Him.  And I had to face the reality that this was what my Christian life had become over the years.  I obeyed, I played by the rules, I worked hard for the church, I gave every ounce of my energy to helping others – pleasing others.  But in the process, I had let my personal relationship with God dry up out in a desert of religious responsibilities and obligations.  I had become the older brother.  I was more comfortable in the box of rules and expectations. This had become my identity.  I didn’t necessarily withhold grace and mercy from those who had failed, I just subtly felt I deserved a party for trying to be good.  

SURRENDER

I began to see the ugly sin of the pride, and selfishness, and religious people-pleasing that had built up inside.  Julie and many others had already seen these things in me – but it took a major mess, and a lot of patient pressure from others before I could finally see it for myself… and I started to despise who I allowed myself to become.

I began to surrender… not necessarily all in one moment – but the layers began to peel back.  As I saw each of the ways pride, anger, and people-pleasing had infected my life, I confessed it – I asked for forgiveness, and the path to freedom began.  I had to make amends to Julie for the burden that my pride had placed on her.  I had to admit my anger – and the hurt that caused her.  I had to admit the bitterness that had grown inside.  I had to admit my selfishness – and that my addiction to people-pleasing had left her with an absent husband.  

We were two people who didn’t know fix the mess; but God was using the principles of recovery to rebuild us. Together we continued studying and searching.  We were each starting to get our relationships with God back on track. God was rebuilding each of us from the ground up.  And as an added bonus, God was rebuilding our marriage.  In retrospect, these ended up being some of our sweetest times of our marriage.  Although Julie and I had been involved in worship ministry before, these new moments became some of the best memories.  Julie learned to play the bass, and we would sit together – just her and I – in a tiny little apartment singing together to our Father.

But to be clear, we were not simply trying to salvage what was left of our marriage by adding a little Jesus and a little church – we’d already had that.  We eachhad to fully surrender to Jesus.  We eachhad to work on getting our relationship with God back into first place.  For Julie, this started when things exploded.  For me, this started many months later when I was forced to see the ugliness of my own heart.  I think one of the things that allowed our marriage to be rebuilt better and stronger than ever before was our willingness to get everything out on the table – all the ugly details, all the hidden things, all the transparency.  We made amends and asked for forgiveness on every level.  We had a clean foundation to rebuild on.

MY SWEET WIFE

The runaway brother, and the self-righteous brother both needed to get back to a right relationship with the Father.  Until that relationship was in the right place, every other relationship would be out of place – especially marriage.  I had set out to find help for my marriage, and found that I was the one who needed help. I was the one with a horribly ugly heart.  I was filled with pride, anger, selfishness, and people-pleasing behavior; and I had lost sight of God in a swamp of religion.  

I’d like to point out that Julie is an amazing person – she always has been – she is my best friend. And the more she has grown in her relationship with God over the years, the more amazing she has become.  The closer she follows Jesus, the deeper I fall in love with her.  Julie and I have a beautiful story with an ugly “dot” in it.  I call it a “dot,” but in reality there was a time when it seemed like a nuclear bomb.  We felt like it would never end – it seemed like a bigger mess than we would ever be free from.  But thankfully, that was just a season.  That season changed us to our core because of what Jesus did.  We were powerless to fix any of it; but God took something ugly and did something amazing. 

ALL THESE YEARS LATER

A couple years after that mess (in 2007) God led us back into full-time ministry.  That was many years ago.  You would think that someone who had been set free from the chains of anger, pride, and people-pleasing would remain free all these years later.  Sadly, it’s not so.  A couple years ago, our church started looking at starting a Celebrate Recovery program.  I volunteered to help other peoplewith their hurts, habits, and hangups.  The first night, the lesson was on denial. No problem. I’m not denying anything.  I already dealt with all of that, right???  Well that wasn’t the case. God began to open my eyes to the reality of how these things still could find new ways to get in. I never see them coming.  It’s as if these things are like filthy rats that climb in through a back door or an open window.

It would be real easy to hide them again, and pretend I don’t have anything to work on. But what a lonely and pitiful place to be when you are surrounded by good people; but you have no one to sharpen you – to speak the hard truths to you.  But at CR, I’m surrounded by others that do just that. Together we walk through the Biblical principles of recovery.  It keeps us sharp and focused.  The friendships and accountability help us to see things that we can’t see, or things we try to hide.  Yeah, it’s a little embarrassing to stand here and admit these things can sometimes sneak back in. But I’d rather stand here and drag these rats out into the light – keep them exposed and exterminated, rather than ignore them and let them infiltrate the walls, and crawl space, and attic.  I was infested once – and I hope to never become that person again.

Yes, sometimes I still struggle with anger, pride, and people-pleasing – even though I have experienced the devastating influence they can have in my life.  Yes, I still struggle at times with these things; but these things are not who I am.  I am a child of God. Loved by my Heavenly Father.  Forgiven through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus.

One of the biggest things I’ve recently been able to discover through CR is where my empty people-pleasing pursuit came from.  If you have been through the Step Study, then you have had to face many people and situations from your past.  We had to examine how our view of our dads may have influenced us.  My dad passed away about a year before we started CR. He was a good man, a hard worker, he loved God and served in the church right up till the day he passed.  What’s to complain about, right?  Well only recently I have started to look at how I allowed my thinking to be influenced.  And you know what I discovered: I had it all twisted up in my mind. I’ve never blamed my dad for my behavior (maybe my baldness, and corny jokes); but I was able to see how my own misconceptions drove me to pursue something I never needed.  I know he loved me; I know he was proud of me.  I allowed my unreasonable desire for his approval to help fuel my people-pleasing attitude.  I allowed my pride to drive me to prove to him that I would be successful in ministry.  I created my own problems.

IT WAS WORTH IT

Sitting here are people with a variety of struggles. All are different but all are dangerous, all are harmful.  There’s no point in comparing whose sin is more dangerous or more damaging.  One person’s addiction to drugs could damage a life and kill a marriage – and another person’s addiction to self, or pride, or people-pleasing can also damage a life and kill a marriage. 

For Julie and I, our lives were CHANGEDdrastically in that particular season 13 years ago – but we are not DEFINEDby that season.  I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones.  It’s a strange thing… I wouldn’t wish the problems we faced on anyone; but I also wouldn’t trade anything for what God did in the middle of the mess.  

Whether you are dealing with a deep hurt in your past, or a damaging mistake you made, or a lifetime of poor choices, or a lifetime of religious pride… God is greater than your past – and He has the power to help you recover.  CR Principle 8 talks about how we can share with others the amazing things that God has done in us.  That is the heart of the passage that I wrote about so bitterly in a journal during my darkest time.  And in reality, God has proved it to be true a hundred times over.  He gave us a new song to sing, and He has a new song for you as well.  And if you let Him do His work, many will see what He has done and be amazed. And they will put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1–3 

1I waited patiently for the Lordto help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry. 

2He lifted me out of the pit of despair, 

out of the mud and the mire. 

He set my feet on solid ground 

and steadied me as I walked along. 

3He has given me a new song to sing, 

a hymn of praise to our God. 

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. 

They will put their trust in the Lord. 

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